Orphan Care & Adoption Theology: Caution!

Let me begin by saying the theology of adoption is a beautiful thing.  I’m eternally grateful for it as a child of God.  I have been adopted.  I was not His child.  Now I am.  My inheritance is now with my Father in heaven.  He is the author of adoption.  He sacrificed so …through faith…I live and have been made a part of His family.

In many profound ways, adopting our daughters is a picture of this beautiful truth. 

At the very beginning of our adoption journey I would read books and articles on the theology of adoption and how it should inspire and convict Christians to  give homes to orphans. I would engage in conversations that further drove the comparison home and would nod an emphatic “YES!” with each word.

Four years and two finalized adoptions later, I still nod –  just not quite as enthusiastically. Why? Because this theology can only capture part of the story.  God Himself cannot be fully understood by pondering one aspect of His character or work(or one thousand for that matter).  There are many truths of God that need to inform how we view earthly adoption. 

I’m concerned about the practical ramifications for adoptees if we only tell them that their story is a beautiful redemption story.  That it was God’s plan from the beginning of time for them to be with their adoptive family.  Etc. While these things are true…it’s only part of the story. 

What do our dear ones do with the pain?  The loss?  The desire to find their birth family?  Birth culture? 

So following are just a few of my thoughts on where we need to clarify and broaden our understanding of adoption in regards to “theology”.

1.  Part of the gospel is reconciliation.  We are RECONCILED to our loving Father through Jesus.  We have been able to RETURN to Him.  We can now commune with Him and walk with Him as He has desired from the beginning.  All is made RIGHT.

Adoptees aren’t reconciled to their adopted families!  Reconciliation would happen with a return and renewal of their birth family.  Had sin not come into this now dying world, children would be with their birth parents.  This was the created intention of God.  Thankfully, He is also a merciful God who redeems and sets the lonely in families through adoption.  That precious redemption comes AFTER there has been deep brokenness.  Earthly adoption is a beautiful picture of the gospel…but not a complete one.

2.  Children of God are NEW creations.  We don’t go back to find our “old life” – let alone live and have relationship with old sin habits. 

No parallel with our children’s adoption story there.  Adopted children should feel free to discover their past and their birth family & culture when/if it is wise to do so. 

3.  We need to be clear.  It’s OUR fault that we need God to adopt us.  WE sinned.

Our adopted children needed us to bring them into our family through NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN.

The church’s passion for adoption needs to be informed by the whole counsel of our loving God.  We can’t just latch on to some talking points that deeply moved us in a sermon or a book once when real people could suffer as a result.  Do we pause and ponder how our conversations in Christendom may impact the way thousands upon thousands of adopted children process or repress their story?  Praise God He gives wisdom to those who seek and ask Him.  Let’s seek and ask often!

Kindness Counts. Our Costco Story.

It seems there have been several viral posts lately telling stories of kindness.  Many of these articles have been written by parents thanking strangers for sympathetic words and encouraging deeds.

How awesome.  We need more stories that demonstrate the fact that empathy can overcome judgement.  Selfless acts from strangers can impact the lives of people and whole families.

So I am adding the following account to the mix.  I don’t know if it will ever reach the eyes or ears of the woman I’m about to thank…but her kindness is worth telling as an example for us all.

To the Costco Member Services Employee,

My boys were at basketball practice so I had some time to kill with my girls (ages 2 & 5).  It was a good time to pick up my Christmas Photo cards and replace my lost membership ID. 

By the time I got to you, my 5 year old daughter was spent.  She was done.  You and I were in the middle of taking care of my membership card when you witnessed my tired little girl starting a tailspin that would have ended up in a “Parent of the Year” disqualifying scene.

This is the point when random store employees in the past would have put on their annoyed or angry eyes.  I’ve experienced many of those looks and quite honestly have become immune through the years.  I give a lot of grace to people passing judgement because I remember a time before children…and certainly before adopted children…when I was probably one of them.  I’m certain that if I sat each of those people down and shared our harrowing story, their eyes would have softened and shown understanding instead.

But you didn’t need an explanation.  I don’t know why that was.  Perhaps you had found yourself in a similar circumstance before.  Maybe you recognized the escalating behavior as the plea of a tired child instead of a disrespectful tantrum.  Whatever the reason, you thoughtfully engaged my little girl in conversation.  Her furrowed eyebrows and pouty lips didn’t scare you.  You kept on chatting and then you hit the jackpot!  “Do you want your picture taken with mommy?  You can have your face on the card too!” 

My daughter was so excited.  Everything from there on out just made her day: Posing for the picture, watching it print, holding on to the card for dear life and showing it with pride to her brothers. That membership card is still one of her favorite things and she talks about it … months later.

You probably knew that you were being kind to a child and helpful to a mom.  What you didn’t know was that we had adopted this sweet, brave, beautiful girl six months before following almost 3 years in foster care.  Because of resulting insecurities and fears, anything out of our normal schedule (like an errand to Costco) takes a lot of energy for her to endure.  She has to fight back the fear of present unknowns and angst over what will happen next in this strange day. 

By the time she got to you, she WAS tired…not just physically, but emotionally.  When you gave her that jolt of joy, you gave her the ability to finish our day well.  A victory!  As a bonus…a really profound bonus…you gave her just a little more evidence that she is our daughter. 

She is a part of our family. Our hearts say so.  Our actions say so. Our words say so.  A judge says so.  We’ve even made up songs that say so!

Now our Costco membership says so too.

Thank you.