Tally-free Love

(Originally written for http://togetherinthetrenches.com)

This post is not meant to be an exhaustive perspective on anything really.  Just a realization I had with my daughter the other day.

Behavior difficulties have been relentless lately.  Correction: endless.  These aren’t the behaviors that can be overlooked or redirected.  I can’t think to myself “I don’t want to die on this hill”.  They are behaviors that are damaging to her and/or someone else.
During one of our conversations, my daughter made the comment “I’ll be good tomorrow, mom”.

I realized…this girl lives in a state of keeping score.  Constantly.  The words “bad” and “good” are persistently tied to her actions.  How exhausting.

But you know what?  I can go there too.  When I can’t accept the forgiveness and grace offered to me, I devolve into that same mindset.  “Wow, I messed up that parenting thing yesterday.  I’ll do better today”.  Try, try, try, try, try.  Fail, kinda succeed, fail, victory, neutral.  With such frequent parenting “opportunities” ;), it’s like a constant tally in my mind.  Hopefully, at the end of the road…the good days will outweigh the bad.

Whoa. What?!  I had never really put it in those words before.  And what opposite-of-the-gospel words they are.

Jesus didn’t come for us to keep a sin tally like my daughter is keeping in the card catalog of her mind.

Jesus came so we can be free.  Loved without condition.  Forgiven.  Able to keep short accounts and hold to victory.  Hold to Christ! He is forming us into who he wants us to BE.  Not what He wants us to DO.

I want my kiddo to cling to grace and unconditional love…so I’ve got to blaze the trail in my life too!  Grace upon grace.  Forgiveness upon forgiveness.  Love upon love.

When my kiddo lies to me for the 6th time in 30 minutes and genuinely says “Do you forgive me this time?” My answer is an IMMEDIATE “Yes, child.  Yes. That’s what love does”.  And then I praise God for those same words spoken to me by my Savior.

In the Fold

Families have a culture.  There are things we do together or have in common…
traditions
figures of speech
passtimes
inside jokes
just ways of being
…that give each family their unique identity.  It’s pretty cool.  It’s comforting.  Participating shows we belong to the fold.

I realized the other day that our older daughter of 3 years still hasn’t caught on to some of our family nuances and I ached for her.  It must feel isolating – knowing you’re part of a family who you don’t totally GET yet.

Then (as is often the case with me), God taught me through a song we recently sang in church.

Here are some of the lyrics:

“O – o – oh the love that sought me!
O – o – oh the blood that bought me!
Oh the grace that brought me to the fold of God
Grace that brought me to the fold of God

He died for me while I was sinning..
Needy and poor and blind He whispered to assure me… “I’ve found thee; thou art Mine” I never heard a sweeter voice, it made my aching heart rejoice

Upon His grace I’ll daily ponder
and sing anew His praise With all adoring wonder, His blessings I retrace. It seems as if eternal days, are far too short to sing His praise.”

Thats just it.  We were brought into the fold of God fully…BEFORE we really GOT what it meant to be a part of this whole deal!!!  We didn’t know the right words.  The culture.  The ways of holiness, justice and love.  God and our brothers and sisters engaged with us in the sometimes-messy process AFTER we were completely and wholly included in the family.

This is so hard to find the energy to do for our kids when battles occur daily….assaults on that family culture itself.  Even so, I want to give family to my kids.  I want to give the grace and love they need to FEEL what they ARE.  IN the FOLD.

Oh….and listen to the song if you have a chance!  It will make your day!  🙂
http:// https://youtu.be/Rm3ezkzDsMQ

Originally written for http://togetherinthetrenches.com newsletter.

SENT TO THE TRENCHES

Its been a while!  🙂 Sometimes in life, there are worthier things that take priority over my words in a blog.  The past 6 months were filled with just that…a worthier thing.  I was part of a team (along with the fantabulous Ashley Wells (founder) and Katy Adams) who worked to bring a foster and adoptive moms retreat to the Louisville, KY area.  We named it Together in the Trenches because with that name…you already know things are going to get real.  We wanted a place for ladies to come and just BE.  BE loved.  BE understood without explanation.  BE with God our Father.  BE with friends.  Just. BE.

I could write on and on about God’s faithfulness throughout the preparation for the retreat and the retreat itself.  How there was an atmosphere that only God could create that I believe stemmed from the fact that there were 86 women gathered together in both welcomed transparency and safety.  That’s a rare thing. It takes each woman being on the same page.  86 women (and what spectacular women they all are!). Same page. Same mission with some different methods.  We experienced UNITY in a world that doesn’t possess a whole lot of it.

But for this post, I particularly want to share what I wrote for our break out session at the retreat.  I hope it will be an encouragement to you that this life … with all its twists and turns, its ups and downs, its joys and disappointments,  its points of clarity and points of confusion, … is RIGHT WHERE GOD STANDS WITH US FOR THE GOOD OF HIS CHILDREN.

SENT to the TRENCHES

So we are here talking about rest. Taking time. Allowing our souls to bathe in the love of God our Father. Our speaker, worship, pampering sessions, gorgeous setting, new and old friends… these are all things God has used to minister to our bodies and souls as we serve Him and parent children who HE loves.

When we return home in a few hours, there is an even deeper rest to be found. Daily. We hope you have experienced it here.

It is the fulfillment of our offerings to you.

It is the fulfillment of our fellowship with each other.

It is life in Jesus.

Matthew 16:25 says: “whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will find it.”

Do you ever feel stuck in the middle of this verse? “I gave my life, God. Its yours. I lost it for you. I’m just accepting that this is my place in life. I’m serving You and your children, God… and its hard but I just HAVE to keep trudging on in the trenches. I took up my cross. (Matthew 16:24)” That’s what good Christians do, right? That’s what all those verses about endurance and perseverance mean, right??

Do we forget the END of the verse?

We AREN’T just trudging through the trench knowing we have chosen to lose our lives

…we have FOUND life!

We aren’t embattled in the TRENCHES to fear!

We are sent to the TRENCHES to thrive!

We serve our fellow soldiers,

free captives and

glory in a victory already won!

In this FOUND life, He gives PEACE in the midst of the reality of war:

John 14:27

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift

the world cannot give.

So don’t be troubled or afraid.

There is a peace that is beyond pampering.

There is camaraderie beyond fellowship with girls who get it.

There is a kind of rest reserved for those believing in the Messiah.

He KNOWS that if we try to hold on to what our flesh THINKS will rejuvenate us…

Ease.

Absence of opposition.

Cake walk parenting.

Recognition from people.

Respect from our children.

A “put together” life.

Did we mention EASE?

…we will be overcome with enemy fire.

We will step in every landmine.

He knows that if we crave these things, we will be a SLAVE to these things!

This world woos us with dead end “promises” that lead to despair. Especially our context in the U.S. Ease of life and entertainment are our gods. We are told that we deserve these things … and more! Children are being increasingly looked at as burdens…not beloved blessings worthy of great battles!

We know better.

He has shown us how to FIND LIFE by His Spirit. He has shown us by His example. We are in the trenches to demonstrate WHO HE IS! To treat the wounds of those He LOVES. To examine ourselves by GIVING FULLY to those who have nothing to offer in return.

OUR LIVES?

They are FOUND lives.

Not only that. They are EQUIPPED lives. We aren’t engaging the enemy without resources!

Let’s look at some REAL promises He gives to us as

His representatives:

John 7:37-39 

Jesus stood and shouted to the crowds, “Anyone who is thirsty may come to me! Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare,

‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart.’”

(When he said “living water,” he was speaking of the Spirit, who would be given to everyone believing in him. But the Spirit had not yet been given,

because Jesus had not yet entered into his glory.” 

Matthew 11:28-29

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and

I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

John 14:12 

Jesus says, “I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.” 

Wow.

Ladies.

The work we are doing is set apart for us by Jesus Himself! Earlier in this passage Jesus was telling the disciples that they HAVE SEEN THE FATHER because they have SEEN HIM. Then He takes it one step further and says WE can represent Him in the same way! Through His Spirit, we can continue doing His works. Even MORE works than HE could do in His time in bodily form on earth.

This trench living? We’re an extension of HIM so He will LAVISH his resources upon us.

He gives us Rest. He created it.

He gives us Wisdom. He defines it.

He gives us Power. He embodies it.

He gives us Hope. He fulfills it.

He gives us Endurance. He never grows weary.

He gives us Love. He IS love.

He gives us everything to preserve and fulfill our lives in every skirmish

plus the faith to see the ultimate outcome.

Eph 3:19 

“May you experience the love of Christ,

though it is too great to understand fully.

Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”

We at Together in the Trenches hope you go home not just rested…but reminded of His LOVE for you. Reminded that He EMPOWERS you in a way this world can’t understand!

There is NO ONE more EQUIPPED in the entire world than YOU and ME – HIS CHURCH –to live as his hands and feet in a battle-weary land.

We haven’t been left in the field alone. We are found in Him! “Trench on” because we have no idea when He has ordained for this war to end.

He loves you.

We thank you and honor you.

The hundreds of children represented here have access to Jesus because of you!

What are you TALKING about?

A growing number of people are investing their lives in adoption and foster care.  This passion is seen in how they live, what they speak about, what dominates their social media feeds etc. etc.

Often I wonder how my friends who aren’t in the world of foster care or adoption receive all my conversations about the needs of orphans.  All my posts about hope in the challenging adoption situations and on and on. Do they “accidentally” hit the unfollow button?   😉 Do they roll their eyes?  Do they think “Get a life, Becky”!  I hope not…but I will unashamedly say “THIS IS my life”.  Orphan care as a way of following Jesus is a growing number of families’ lives…praise God.

(photo cred. http://liannadavisphotography.com)

I’m not completely unsympathetic to the “eye rollers”, that’s for sure.  I get it.  No one enjoys seeing people blindly jumping on bandwagons and constantly spurting out the same loaded verbiage day after day.  As a matter of fact, when we first started our foster journey, I was PETRIFIED to think that anyone would do this INCREDIBLY hard job just because they followed the “Orphan Care Movement” or wanted a ticket into the “Adoptive & Foster Parent Club” or even … heaven help us … to look good or holy or something.  I had moments that I had to check my own motives for sure.  Movements are exciting, but doing anything well must stem from an unshakable foundation.

So what are we TALKING about? 
Children need families.
God’s love for the fatherless is abundantly evident throughout His Word and they are SEEN by Him.  They are SEEN by us. We love them because God has shown us what it means to love.

We speak because God is calling us – His Church- to humble ourselves and raise up the most vulnerable among us.  To LOVE them.  THIS is how we know we are God’s people.  By how we love with His love.  How we lay down our lives for those who can offer nothing in return.

We speak to CHANGE the talk that has been held too closely for too long.  That has deeply hurt too many. Statements like “I could never do that, I would get too attached” or “Don’t you want one of your own” or “Where is their REAL mom” or “You brought this upon yourself”.  Because here’s the thing… In orphan care, Difficulty is not the sign of a wrong decision.   Difficulty is the sign that we choose LOVE in a broken world.   Vernacular that works against this love must be changed … and it takes a lot of education and perspective shift to do that.  A lot of conversation.

Know that the vast majority of us aren’t using our valuable time for the rush of being a part of a “Movement”. The increasing number of Orphan Care organizations and ministries and conferences and retreats aren’t so we can all get together and pat each other on the back and proclaim how awesome we are.  They’re for people who answer God’s call to meet a dire need. They’re for people humble enough to know they need to learn and find community so they can be effective and faithful in meeting that need. 

We DON’T speak about Orphan Care because it’s cool.  Or super fun.  Or trendy.

We DO speak to love. (I mean seriously…look at that face!!)  We hope to be voices heralding: challenging things are so worth doing. Though God has not equipped all of us for this calling in life, these conversations are still FOR all of us… making us more empathetic, more compassionate, more loving, more like Him.

So if you’re one of my friends who is saying “Get over this Orphan Care Movement thing already” …. you may just want to unfriend me now.  OR I would love to talk with you about how to get involved in this amazing call of God to LOVE the fatherless!! 

New Days. Clean Slates.

Originally written for http://togetherinthetrenches.com newsletter.

Where I live, another snowfall is on the way.  Possibly a top ten all time accumulation for our region. I’m ready for a new weather system!  A new season.  New.

The hope of something new is so refreshing, isn’t it?  One of MY favorite “new” things is a haircut.  Love it.  Especially if it gets styled perfectly and in a way I’ll never be able to duplicate!  😉  I also love new knowledge. New friends. New experiences. (I’m really looking forward to this New retreat from Together in the Trenches!)

I realized most of my favorite “NEW” things are done FOR me….they’re not of my doing.  They’re gifts.

Newness is a beautiful gift.  Fresh.  Clean.  Ready for the future.  When we accept Jesus, WE are new.  He doesn’t stop there.  His mercies are new continually.  And in the future, He will make all things “New Again” (celebrated by one of my NEW favorite songs at that link)

I look so forward to the day of restoration!  All hurts, tears, abuses, loneliness, pain, sickness…wiped away forever.  We’ll be new forever.  There will be no more longing for new things because all will be perfect and satisfying for eternity.  We all ache for that, don’t we?  The renewal of all things.  For everything to be made right…and God’s perfect love and justice finally to rule!?!

Until then, let’s appreciate the “New” in our lives and also give the gift of new to our kids!  New days.  Clean slates.  Fresh starts.  New opportunities to succeed and thrive.  New kindnesses.  New expressions of love.  🙂

Have a great NEW day tomorrow…whatever your circumstances!!

For Everything a Season

Originally written for http://togetherinthetrenches.com newsletter.

So… having five kids… I miss out on stuff.  Its just a fact.  I don’t just miss out on ME stuff like trips to Target, Starbucks with friends and browsing Half Price Books (although my husband is super sweet and gives me these opportunities when he can).  Its also necessary for me to forego GOOD stuff.  Bible studies, some church activities, family traditions, service opportunities.

You may experience this in your time and place in life too.  Doesn’t take five kids for these sacrifices to be needed.  One new kiddo in your home through birth or adoption or fostering can take you out of commission for a while…sometimes a long while.

I have something to tell you about that.  ITS OKAY.  Its not even just okay…its BEAUTIFUL.

The way I’m wired, if I didn’t have any children, I would be everywhere all the time.  EVERY study, EVERY chance to serve, EVERY church women event.  I would be INVOLVED in living out my faith all the time.  But you know what?  I AM INVOLVED in living out my faith…ALL the time.

Have you had sweet friends look at you with those eyes… “You’re going to miss [insert activity/event here] AGAIN?  You poor thing. I’m so sorry.”   Those types of sentiments come from hearts of love and concern.  Our friends and sisters in Christ want us to experience things that are meaningful to them and their faith.  It is so kind and sweet.  But I hope in those conversations, we don’t translate the concern into a “woe is me” attitude.  Know why?  Because our precious, complicated, take-me-out-of-the-game-as-I-knew-it life is NOT TO BE PITIED!!!  Like I said….its beautiful.  Its the life God has graciously ENTRUSTED us with right now.  Our faith is being stretched, grown, renewed, sent soaring.

I SO look forward to and cherish chances here and there to gather with peers… wisely commit to some things…  get away for foster and adoption retreat!!  ;-).

Eventually, I’ll get back into the thick of adult ministry & fellowship. Life will change again. For now, though, I still have Bible study…there just may be Veggies involved.  I still serve….all day.  I still have ladies teas…with oversized shoes, cups the size of marbles, and luke warm drops of water.  I still meet needs… interspersed with screams and sobs instead of “thank you’s”. AND I still have community – with brothers and sisters in Christ as often as possible – and always with my little tribe and my Savior.

How blessed.  How very blessed.

Remembering the LOVE

Originally written for http://togetherinthetrenches.com Newsletter.

Last weekend was Valentines Day…but we can take time to remember the role of love in our lives all the time. 

Valentines Day can be a fun, sweet, light day for many.  Some ignore it as a Hallmark conspiracy. For others it brings a tinge of pain.  But we hope THIS Valentines Day was a celebration of faithful, everyday, ordinary yet miraculous TRUE love.

Not Princess Bride “Wuv, Twue Wuv”!  (Hmmm…may have to watch that again and bring back some high school memories!) … but the Love that brings about action, patience, strength & endurance.  Here is a list of ways we can ponder and value love today:

1.  Let’s consider and pray for birth parents today.  In the vast scope of situations that lead to fostering and adoption, the inseperable love and pain birth parents experience deserves our constant hope, prayer and love.

2.  WE are loved and appreciated by so many…even in the times where the expression of love is fleeting, lets look back, recieve the kind words anew and cherish them to keep on keeping on.  Who has thanked and appreciated you for this step of faith you’ve taken to love a child?  Social workers. Extended family. Orphanage workers. Pastors. Support group. Birth family. Friends. Judges. GAL. Spouses. Neighbor. Church. CASA. Strangers.  Stop to remember those who have encouraged along the way!

4.  Our LOVE for our children.  Prayerfully someday their love for us as well.  If you have walked the road of attachment and are experiencing and seeing expressions of love blossoming from your child…we rejoice with you!!!!!!  If you are watching & seeing glimpses here and there of what could be…we are thankful and expectant with you!!!!!! If you are doing the hard work and not yet seeing the fruit….we stand with you and hope with you!!!!!!   But we are ALL the same in that we have laid down our lives for our dear ones. THEY are more important than OUR comfort and OUR yearnings for reciprocation.   We have all counted that cost!   True. Selfless. Love.

3.  Always best for last.  God IS love.  He’s the source of all True love.  He gave the greatest gift at the highest price.  He is why we love the orphan at all.  Because of Him.  Always Him.  Let His words and love fill you to overflowing today.

Thankful to you parents who are living TRUE LOVE!!  ♡
-Becky

Orphan Care & Adoption Theology: Caution!

Let me begin by saying the theology of adoption is a beautiful thing.  I’m eternally grateful for it as a child of God.  I have been adopted.  I was not His child.  Now I am.  My inheritance is now with my Father in heaven.  He is the author of adoption.  He sacrificed so …through faith…I live and have been made a part of His family.

In many profound ways, adopting our daughters is a picture of this beautiful truth. 

At the very beginning of our adoption journey I would read books and articles on the theology of adoption and how it should inspire and convict Christians to  give homes to orphans. I would engage in conversations that further drove the comparison home and would nod an emphatic “YES!” with each word.

Four years and two finalized adoptions later, I still nod –  just not quite as enthusiastically. Why? Because this theology can only capture part of the story.  God Himself cannot be fully understood by pondering one aspect of His character or work(or one thousand for that matter).  There are many truths of God that need to inform how we view earthly adoption. 

I’m concerned about the practical ramifications for adoptees if we only tell them that their story is a beautiful redemption story.  That it was God’s plan from the beginning of time for them to be with their adoptive family.  Etc. While these things are true…it’s only part of the story. 

What do our dear ones do with the pain?  The loss?  The desire to find their birth family?  Birth culture? 

So following are just a few of my thoughts on where we need to clarify and broaden our understanding of adoption in regards to “theology”.

1.  Part of the gospel is reconciliation.  We are RECONCILED to our loving Father through Jesus.  We have been able to RETURN to Him.  We can now commune with Him and walk with Him as He has desired from the beginning.  All is made RIGHT.

Adoptees aren’t reconciled to their adopted families!  Reconciliation would happen with a return and renewal of their birth family.  Had sin not come into this now dying world, children would be with their birth parents.  This was the created intention of God.  Thankfully, He is also a merciful God who redeems and sets the lonely in families through adoption.  That precious redemption comes AFTER there has been deep brokenness.  Earthly adoption is a beautiful picture of the gospel…but not a complete one.

2.  Children of God are NEW creations.  We don’t go back to find our “old life” – let alone live and have relationship with old sin habits. 

No parallel with our children’s adoption story there.  Adopted children should feel free to discover their past and their birth family & culture when/if it is wise to do so. 

3.  We need to be clear.  It’s OUR fault that we need God to adopt us.  WE sinned.

Our adopted children needed us to bring them into our family through NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN.

The church’s passion for adoption needs to be informed by the whole counsel of our loving God.  We can’t just latch on to some talking points that deeply moved us in a sermon or a book once when real people could suffer as a result.  Do we pause and ponder how our conversations in Christendom may impact the way thousands upon thousands of adopted children process or repress their story?  Praise God He gives wisdom to those who seek and ask Him.  Let’s seek and ask often!

Kindness Counts. Our Costco Story.

It seems there have been several viral posts lately telling stories of kindness.  Many of these articles have been written by parents thanking strangers for sympathetic words and encouraging deeds.

How awesome.  We need more stories that demonstrate the fact that empathy can overcome judgement.  Selfless acts from strangers can impact the lives of people and whole families.

So I am adding the following account to the mix.  I don’t know if it will ever reach the eyes or ears of the woman I’m about to thank…but her kindness is worth telling as an example for us all.

To the Costco Member Services Employee,

My boys were at basketball practice so I had some time to kill with my girls (ages 2 & 5).  It was a good time to pick up my Christmas Photo cards and replace my lost membership ID. 

By the time I got to you, my 5 year old daughter was spent.  She was done.  You and I were in the middle of taking care of my membership card when you witnessed my tired little girl starting a tailspin that would have ended up in a “Parent of the Year” disqualifying scene.

This is the point when random store employees in the past would have put on their annoyed or angry eyes.  I’ve experienced many of those looks and quite honestly have become immune through the years.  I give a lot of grace to people passing judgement because I remember a time before children…and certainly before adopted children…when I was probably one of them.  I’m certain that if I sat each of those people down and shared our harrowing story, their eyes would have softened and shown understanding instead.

But you didn’t need an explanation.  I don’t know why that was.  Perhaps you had found yourself in a similar circumstance before.  Maybe you recognized the escalating behavior as the plea of a tired child instead of a disrespectful tantrum.  Whatever the reason, you thoughtfully engaged my little girl in conversation.  Her furrowed eyebrows and pouty lips didn’t scare you.  You kept on chatting and then you hit the jackpot!  “Do you want your picture taken with mommy?  You can have your face on the card too!” 

My daughter was so excited.  Everything from there on out just made her day: Posing for the picture, watching it print, holding on to the card for dear life and showing it with pride to her brothers. That membership card is still one of her favorite things and she talks about it … months later.

You probably knew that you were being kind to a child and helpful to a mom.  What you didn’t know was that we had adopted this sweet, brave, beautiful girl six months before following almost 3 years in foster care.  Because of resulting insecurities and fears, anything out of our normal schedule (like an errand to Costco) takes a lot of energy for her to endure.  She has to fight back the fear of present unknowns and angst over what will happen next in this strange day. 

By the time she got to you, she WAS tired…not just physically, but emotionally.  When you gave her that jolt of joy, you gave her the ability to finish our day well.  A victory!  As a bonus…a really profound bonus…you gave her just a little more evidence that she is our daughter. 

She is a part of our family. Our hearts say so.  Our actions say so. Our words say so.  A judge says so.  We’ve even made up songs that say so!

Now our Costco membership says so too.

Thank you.

“Sorry” is Mount Everest

“Sorry” is Mt. Everest in the life of my child.  Like that impressive mountain, this word is huge, daunting, takes years of prep and training to climb and even then, may be impossible to scale.

We’ve come a long way, but I remember days when Sweet Pea acted like her life was literally over if an apology was requested.  Seriously.  Asking her to say this one word prompted a tantrum that could last for hours.  Now I’m not going to speculate completely on what caused this in her little life.  I have strong hunches. I have read educational literature on the subject and spoken to professionals.  All of this and more brought about understanding so we can help her overcome.

I’m not going to write about a solution to these behaviors.  I know… Bummer!  I don’t have the answers anyway… I have some morphed, adapted stuff that works pretty well for my kiddo…and lots of faith that wisdom will continue to be given.

What I want to address is the need for support and education when it comes to “socially unacceptable” behaviors. “Sorry” may not be THE INSURMOUNTABLE WORD for every child.  A child’s trigger may not be a word at all. Maybe its a day. A social situation. A place. Certain types of people.  Whatever it is, when an adoptive or foster parent confides in me about behavioral struggles, the underlying thread and request is the same:

Please continue this journey with us and be our child’s friend. Be OUR friend.

That’s the kicker.  Really, we beseech everyone in our lives.  Don’t leave us.  I know we have to leave playdates abruptly sometimes.  I know your child comes home telling you of the ridiculous things my child may have done.  And yes, that’s us with the sweet, inconsolable bundle in the parking lot.  Will you still stick around? Will you commit not to gossip about us and stick up for us when you can?

Foster and adoptive parents are in a CONSTANT tug of war.  What to share about our child and what to keep private.  Do we explain WHY our precious kiddo goes and curls up in the corner or is it pointless because previous opinions and conclusions already run too deep to change. For many reasons we don’t want to divulge deep hurts even though it may help someone’s understanding, but we DO want to vindicate our child with every ounce of our being.

It happens all the time. I remember one heartbreaking scene when my daughter accidentally hurt another child.  A simple “Sorry” could have diffused the situation in an instant…but she couldn’t provide that.  The anxiety welled up in her with thoughts of complete defeat, crippling worry of not being accepted, deafening mantras that the world is mad at her and she deserves it.   But no one could see her paralyzing fears so the situation escalated until an entire group was mad at her.  These WEREN’T bullies. Quite the contrary, they were sweet kids whose upbringing allowed empathy, fairness, kindness, responsibility and self control to be learned in a healthy way.  Their parents had been able to teach them that if you harm someone then you ask for forgiveness and if you see an injustice, rectify it if you can.  I can’t blame them for being upset.  I also don’t blame my child for being unable to overcome her fears in that moment after months of victories.

This is just the catch 22 in which we often find ourselves.  There is no magic solution.  Its HARD WORK to raise a child AND educate every acquaintance we have.  Wait.  Scratch that.  Its not hard work.  Its IMPOSSIBLE.   Not enough time in a day.

So here’s my humble attempt to share with all the friends and family of Foster/Adoptive parents in one fell swoop:  Foster and adoptive parents are working their fingers to the bone teaching and loving their kids so that someday they may be able to live healthy, accountable and loving lives.   We want our kids to know they are loved completely and unconditionally – just the way they are – while helping them learn skills that will allow them to show that same love to others.  We want your children to enjoy being around ours. We pray and hope and work and love…but sometimes, our precious crew still looks and acts differently. Striving to provide a family unit where growth can happen is paramount. That can be isolating. We don’t want our brave kids to feel alone.  There are countless more things we want so desperately for our child’s life – not unlike you. We just have a few Mt. Everests in our way.

Thank you for your friendships and support.  Thank you for your understanding, prayers and investment. And for those especially awesome people who KNOW the rabbit hole is far deeper than they can fathom – and love us accordingly – we’re grateful beyond measure.

Whoa.  Got emotional on that one, peeps.  Thanks for reading.  Truly.

*I also want to add that not all foster and adoptive children have these struggles.  The personalities and situations of every child are unique.  Every parent learns how to nurture their own amazing child.  🙂