“Sorry” is Mount Everest

“Sorry” is Mt. Everest in the life of my child.  Like that impressive mountain, this word is huge, daunting, takes years of prep and training to climb and even then, may be impossible to scale.

We’ve come a long way, but I remember days when Sweet Pea acted like her life was literally over if an apology was requested.  Seriously.  Asking her to say this one word prompted a tantrum that could last for hours.  Now I’m not going to speculate completely on what caused this in her little life.  I have strong hunches. I have read educational literature on the subject and spoken to professionals.  All of this and more brought about understanding so we can help her overcome.

I’m not going to write about a solution to these behaviors.  I know… Bummer!  I don’t have the answers anyway… I have some morphed, adapted stuff that works pretty well for my kiddo…and lots of faith that wisdom will continue to be given.

What I want to address is the need for support and education when it comes to “socially unacceptable” behaviors. “Sorry” may not be THE INSURMOUNTABLE WORD for every child.  A child’s trigger may not be a word at all. Maybe its a day. A social situation. A place. Certain types of people.  Whatever it is, when an adoptive or foster parent confides in me about behavioral struggles, the underlying thread and request is the same:

Please continue this journey with us and be our child’s friend. Be OUR friend.

That’s the kicker.  Really, we beseech everyone in our lives.  Don’t leave us.  I know we have to leave playdates abruptly sometimes.  I know your child comes home telling you of the ridiculous things my child may have done.  And yes, that’s us with the sweet, inconsolable bundle in the parking lot.  Will you still stick around? Will you commit not to gossip about us and stick up for us when you can?

Foster and adoptive parents are in a CONSTANT tug of war.  What to share about our child and what to keep private.  Do we explain WHY our precious kiddo goes and curls up in the corner or is it pointless because previous opinions and conclusions already run too deep to change. For many reasons we don’t want to divulge deep hurts even though it may help someone’s understanding, but we DO want to vindicate our child with every ounce of our being.

It happens all the time. I remember one heartbreaking scene when my daughter accidentally hurt another child.  A simple “Sorry” could have diffused the situation in an instant…but she couldn’t provide that.  The anxiety welled up in her with thoughts of complete defeat, crippling worry of not being accepted, deafening mantras that the world is mad at her and she deserves it.   But no one could see her paralyzing fears so the situation escalated until an entire group was mad at her.  These WEREN’T bullies. Quite the contrary, they were sweet kids whose upbringing allowed empathy, fairness, kindness, responsibility and self control to be learned in a healthy way.  Their parents had been able to teach them that if you harm someone then you ask for forgiveness and if you see an injustice, rectify it if you can.  I can’t blame them for being upset.  I also don’t blame my child for being unable to overcome her fears in that moment after months of victories.

This is just the catch 22 in which we often find ourselves.  There is no magic solution.  Its HARD WORK to raise a child AND educate every acquaintance we have.  Wait.  Scratch that.  Its not hard work.  Its IMPOSSIBLE.   Not enough time in a day.

So here’s my humble attempt to share with all the friends and family of Foster/Adoptive parents in one fell swoop:  Foster and adoptive parents are working their fingers to the bone teaching and loving their kids so that someday they may be able to live healthy, accountable and loving lives.   We want our kids to know they are loved completely and unconditionally – just the way they are – while helping them learn skills that will allow them to show that same love to others.  We want your children to enjoy being around ours. We pray and hope and work and love…but sometimes, our precious crew still looks and acts differently. Striving to provide a family unit where growth can happen is paramount. That can be isolating. We don’t want our brave kids to feel alone.  There are countless more things we want so desperately for our child’s life – not unlike you. We just have a few Mt. Everests in our way.

Thank you for your friendships and support.  Thank you for your understanding, prayers and investment. And for those especially awesome people who KNOW the rabbit hole is far deeper than they can fathom – and love us accordingly – we’re grateful beyond measure.

Whoa.  Got emotional on that one, peeps.  Thanks for reading.  Truly.

*I also want to add that not all foster and adoptive children have these struggles.  The personalities and situations of every child are unique.  Every parent learns how to nurture their own amazing child.  🙂